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Visiting Authors
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Mark Wilson
www.powerinparenting.com
Mark Wilson is a School Principal in Oakland County and a Certified Parenting Consultant with the Parent-Talk System. Mark has a Bachelors Degree, Masters Degree, and Education Specialist Degree all in the field of Education. He has worked in the field of education for the past 11 years. During this time, he has taught elementary, middle school and high school children. He has been a high school and middle school administrator for more than 6 years. In addition, he is a certified Parenting Consultant through the Parent Talk System located out of Merrill, Michigan. His first book, which gives practical advice to parents on creating children who are successful in school, will be entering bookstores in the near future.
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More Choices = More Successful Children
Every night I would dread dinnertime. I would walk, with my two-year-old son Andrew, into the kitchen. I would ask if he wanted Strawberries with dinner and he would respond NO! I would ask if he wanted raspberries and he would say NO! I would offer chicken, pizza, crackers, yogurt, and Cheerios and the response from Andrew would be NO, NO, NO, NO and, to my surprise, NO. No matter what I offered, his answer was always the same, NO!. Mealtime became quite frustrating.
Jack is a twelve-year-old student in the school where I am a Principal. Jack's parents state that they have the same argument with their son every night. Jack will come home from school with a bag full of homework. Jack's parents begin, around 3:45pm, asking Jack if he is ready to do his homework. They ask the same question, every hour until 9:00pm. and Jack always has a different excuse for putting his homework off until later. Jack is too busy watching television, talking to friends on Instant Messenger and fighting with his brother. However, each hour Jack willingly takes a few moments and argues with Mom and Dad until they allow him to put off his homework for just one more hour.
Eighteen-year-old Jackie enjoys going out with friends on the weekend. However, she often needs the car as many of her friends do not drive. With three other drivers in the household, Jackie is often frustrated when her parents will not allow her to use the car on the nights that she wants it. Jackie and her parents fight and argue often with no compromise being reached.
Many parents can easily relate to these examples. After all, most parents have argued with their children about eating a healthy diet, completing homework, and driving the family car. However, in working with your child and providing some controlled choices, you can eliminate most of the arguments and help your child to be more confident, a better decision maker and ultimately dramatically improve your child's self-esteem.
The answer to eliminating these battles is in providing your child with controlled choices. A controlled choice is one in which you, as the parent, control the choices your child can make and only give those choices that you are comfortable with. For example, with my son Andrew, I would list every item in the kitchen before deciding what Andrew was going to eat for dinner. He was overwhelmed with choices and ultimately, in a state of extreme frustration, I would be forced to decide on his behalf causing frustration for both of us. Using controlled choices, I will say to Andrew, "Would you like Strawberries or Grapes with dinner." Recognizing that these are the only two choices he can make, he will select one of the two for his dinner choice. Success! He has been given the ability to make a choice on his own and he is eating a food that I am comfortable with.
The same is true using Jack's example. Instead of asking Jack once each hour if he is ready to attack his homework, what if his parents had asked the first time if he was choosing to do his homework at 4:00 or 7:00pm. Using this approach, Jack would be empowered to make his own choice and his parents would not have had to argue with him all evening long.
Finally, Jackie could be given the option to choose Friday night or Saturday night for using the car. This way, Jackie is being given the power to decide what is most important to her and the decision is completely in her hands. No argument with her parents is necessary.
It is human nature to enjoy controlled choices. I, as a grown adult, dread coming home and being asked an open-ended question like "where do you want to go for dinner?" With hundreds of restaurants in Livingston County, I am overwhelmed by the prospect of narrowing my choice down to one restaurant. A controlled choice, like being asked, "Do you want to eat at Chili's or Red Robin?" is much more comfortable. Wouldn't you agree?
As parents, we must remember this when working with our kids. Limit choices and allow children to make some decisions on their own. In doing so, we create self-confident kids who are willing and able to make positive decisions. In this day and age when peer pressure can be so damaging to our children, don't we all want to make sure we have given our children the skills to make positive decisions when faced with both positive and negative influences?
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