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Visiting Authors
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Marsha Temlock
Marsha Temlock, has Masters Degrees in Organizational Psychology and English Literature. She has worked for more than twenty years in social and psychological services. She also writes a weekly column for the New Canaan News-Review and is a feature writer for Weston magazine and Chicago Suburban Woman. Most importantly, Temlock helped her two adult children successfully cope with difficult divorces. Marsha and her husband divide their time between Westport, Connecticut and New York City.
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Let’s Talk Grandparenting Roles
According to Age Wave Communications, a market research company, the five best things grandparents can do to make most grandkids happy are: take them out to eat, let them sleep over, go shopping, play games, and watch TV together. Sounds easy, huh? But your role is much more complicated especially when adult children and grandkids make assumptions about your availability and obligation to family.
How can you avoid being taken advantage of without offending, or God-forbid, alienating your children, in-laws and grandkids? Begin by making it clear that your role is going to shift. Clearly, it’s providing the emotional and physical support your family needs especially during periods of stress or change when you’ll be asked to pitch in more -- do more babysitting, help out financially, put out the welcome mat. Ultimately, your role is to move your adult children and grandchildren toward independence. You want to be a safety net not a security blanket.
Some thoughts:
- The grandparenting role should be helping not harnessing. Often it’s not the adult child who’s at fault but the grandparent who is too self-sacrificing. If you think your adult child is asking for too many favors, you may have some soul searching to do. A psychologist friend of mine has this rule of thumb: “Only offer to do what you can do willingly.” In other words don’t be a martyr. Martyrdom builds resentment on both sides.
- Be upfront (and diplomatic) about setting limits. Try this on for size: “Sorry Jane. You know I love staying with the boys, but Thursday is book club and it took forever to plough through ‘War and Peace.’”
- When I asked my own daughter (who has two young children) what she thought my role was she surprised me by taking the long view. “Grandparents should reinforce the same values they instilled in their own kids, understanding that times change and parents will have their own philosophy about child-rearing.” Adult children will not be as likely to reject your values if you respect and show support for theirs.
- Consider yourself an extension of the nuclear unit and provide a context for your grandkids. As a grandparent your role is to pass down the family values, traditions, legends, holidays, customs, foods, language, etc. You’re the “family historian.” Imagine Tommy’s face when Grandma Flora cuddles up to him and begins her tale about the time daddy got lost on the camping trip or when mommy went to the hospital and had her tonsils out.
- Today, with divorce and remarriage, you may find the branches of your family further and further away from the tree trunk. Your role shifts again. As a step-grandparent, you want to establish relationships with each new member. Try expanding your repertoire of recipes, songs, traditions, idioms. Create a new family history by keeping a family album, collecting memorabilia and planning activities that bind members. More ideas for binding families are in my book “Your Child’s Divorce: What to Expect, What You Can Do.”
Grandparents may find themselves becoming friend, confidant, mentor, rescuer – or foe. It all depends how they play their cards. Aim for a straight flush.
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