“You Can Go Home Again”
Let’s face it -- nothing throws life more off kilter than when an adult child, in the throes of divorce, returns to the nest. Even a temporary stay is bound to cause friction.
Case in point:
Betina was heartsick when Shana and the baby were turned out of their home after Shana and her son-in-law split. Mom tried to make it up to her daughter and found herself doing all the housework and stretching her budget to pay for diapers and formula. In the beginning, Shana’s sixteen-year-old sister Maddy was very understanding and went out of her way to be helpful. But after a while the teenager began to resent all the attention her mother was paying to the “guests.”
Betina didn’t realize how hard Shana’s return was on her younger child until Maddy blew up when her mother said she couldn’t have a friend sleep over because the baby was teething, and she was exhausted from being up the night before.
“I can’t stand to have another person under foot,” Betina cried.
Maddy screamed back, “It’s not my fault Shana screwed up,” and charged out of the house.
Next thing she knew, Shana got hysterical, called her sister a selfish brat, and threatened to pack up the baby and go to a shelter.
Clearly Shana’s homecoming was a strain on everyone. Mom went overboard trying to make Shana feel welcome and expected Maddy to feel the same commitment. Shana was emotionally vulnerable and, newly dependent on her mother, reverted to childlike behavior by allowing herself to be taken care of.
The Homecoming Contract
In my book Your Child’s Divorce: What to Expect -- What to Do (Impact Publishers, Inc.) I devote one chapter to the “rescue stage” when adult children may need to come home. A first step toward a successful homecoming is to think of it as a transition to independence. It’s much easier for parents and adult children to live under the same roof if they anticipate the challenges beforehand and establish some boundaries from the very beginning.
Head off Problems at the Pass
- Establish flexible timeframes for the homecoming and departure date with the assumption that these dates are not carved in stone. Circumstances are bound to change; however, it helps if family members know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Everyone’s behavior and attitude will be different if there is some idea when the guests will be leaving.
- Work toward self-sufficiency. As soon as possible discuss goals toward regaining independence. This might mean some initial sacrifices and adjustment in routines so the returnee can find work and/or going back to school
- Arrange for childcare relief so the burden doesn’t fall on one person. Other relatives and friends might be happy to be a back-up. Some parents are much happier contributing to the costs of daycare than actually doing the babysitting.
- Negotiate chores. This might involve sitting down and writing an informal contract about who does what. It’s only fair that the adult child does his or her fair share of the laundry, shopping, yard cleanup, etc. Grandchildren who are old enough should pitch in. A word of caution: recognize that a formal contract might not be necessary if the returnee is planning to be there a short time or particularly fragile. In which case it’s probably unwise to make or agree to too many demands in the beginning.
- Respect house rules. Adult children are used to being the heads of their own households. They may not be occupying their parents’ space with great enthusiasm. Nevertheless, there must be mutual respect for the way things are done. Any rules should be clearly spelled out in the beginning. “Only Dad uses the business computer; we sit down for dinner at 6:30 pm and after that, you make your own meals.”
- Avoid clashes in moral conduct: Parents and adult children may be coming from entirely different places when it comes to sexual mores and standards of conduct. It’s best if everyone is on the same page about overnight guests, and use of illegal drugs, cigarette smoking and alcohol.
- Agree on parenting the grandchildren: This is a biggie for many adult children and seniors who, again, may have very different ideas about discipline and standards of behavior. Ultimately, parenting decisions rest with the children’s mother or father; however, the caregiver needs to have some authority when the parent is away. Establish the rules beforehand as in this example:
Terry and her daughter Myra have been having a tug of war about how much television the children should watch since Myra and the kids came back home to live. Fortunately, they air their differences away from little ears. They finally agreed that the children can watch an hour in the afternoon after school when Grandma is babysitting, and that there is no cartoon watching in the morning while they eat breakfast even though Terry would like the time to read the morning paper.
Reaping the Benefits
Granted everyone is toting a lot of emotional baggage when families have the tough task of rebuilding. Adult children accepting the loss of a spouse or partner, facing economic devastation and bearing the guilt of having to burden elderly parents who, in turn, are sacrificing retirement as well as their privacy and space, often find that in the end the parent-adult child-grandchildren bonds are stronger and will last a lifetime – long after the adult child has re-established him or herself..
The sooner parents can pull back and the sooner adult children can focus on the future, the better for everyone. It’s been said by more than one returning child that the welcome mat on the doorstep reads hope.
Back to Visiting Authors
