You Can Get Along with Your Ex-Laws
by Marsha Temlock
When you get divorced, the last thing you want is the additional headache of sparing with your former spouse’s parents. Many ex-daughters and sons-in-law are able to maintain a respectful, even loving, relationship with the ex-parents-in-law for the sake of their children. How do they do it? They manage their relationship. They begin by looking at the telescope from both ends.
Why Ex-Laws Withdraw Support
Chances are that when you were in the first stage of your divorce, your ex-laws took their child’s side. The old adage – blood is thicker than water – holds some truth. Which doesn’t mean that your ex-mother or father-in-law wasn’t conflicted or stopped caring about you. Keep in mind that most ex-in-laws greatly feel the loss of that “other” child when the couple splits. They are forced to take sides. They learn all too soon that, unfortunately, in divorce “neutrality” is treason.
Of course, your divorce may have been so acrimonious that even the thought of reaching out to “those monsters” turns your hair gray. But: Let’s assume that you had a pretty good relationship with your ex’s parents before things turned sour. And that, in retrospect, you don’t blame your ex’s Mom and Dad for being loyal to their offspring.
It may be time to stop for a minute and look at the telescope from their end.
The first question grandparents ask when they get wind of the split, is “What is going to happen to my relationship with my grandchildren?”
It’s more than likely that your parents and your ex’s are going through their own emotional upheaval. They are all worried they are going to lose access to their grandchildren. And they may have cause for concern.
Cherin and Furstenberg (The New American Grandparent, 1986) tell us that if you are the daughter chances are your parents are more likely to maintain or even enhance their relationship with your children when your marriage breaks up. If you are the son, your parents’ relationship is likely to diminish in quantity and quality despite the fact that you have shared or joint custody unless you and your ex have worked out a very equitable split. Let’s face it -- grandparents are often the losers when their children divorce.
Case study:
“We get the crumbs,” one grandmother told me sadly. “Our kids are so busy trying to keep their heads above water, they forgot about us. My grandchildren split their time. They are always going back and forth to Mom and Dads. We hardly ever get to see them, and we used to be so close.”
Once the flames have abated and tempers have cooled, it may be time to think about binding wounds. This won’t be easy if you still harbor ill will toward the ex-laws. But if you are up to it, you will find there are benefits to burying the hatchet.
Who Reaps the Rewards?
#1 Your Kids
A healthy relationship with both sets of grandparents is good for your children. Children of divorce do best when they have a good support system. Both sets of grandparents are part of that inner circle of extended family that children can turn to when their parents are working through the nuts and bolts of the divorce and trying to get back on track.
Grandparents can serve as “stabilizers” when the nuclear family breaks down. The older generation provides continuity, a sense of history, and passes down family values.
In my guide to parents who journey with their divorced son or daughter (Your Child’s Divorce: What to Do – What to Expect, Impact 2006), I remind them, “You provide the four leaves in the lucky clover -- safety, security, a sense of belonging and relief from stress.”
#2: You, Obviously.
As a single parent, it is easier if you can count on extra hands when you need them, especially if your own parents are unavailable. And the ex’s parents may be just waiting for the signal to come forward.
Use the ex-laws to your advantage. If you are open to maintaining a civil relationship, you will find them to be a great backup – providing you have laid the groundwork that I’ll get to in a minute.
Case study:
When Phil and Rita learned through their son that his ex, Ellen, had won a trip to Cancun for being top salesperson in her company, they called to congratulate her and offered to stay with the grandchildren. Ellen’s mother was not in good health, so she was pleased to have the offer. Ellen arranged for the children to fly to Indiana, and spent a worry-free week soaking up the rays. Just because the marital bonds were broken didn’t mean her ex-laws couldn’t be there for her.
#3 The family
Grandparents often act as bridges over troubled waters. Even those who don’t get along will often put up a good front (even pull together) for the sake of their grandkids.
A Perfect Example:
My mother still blames my ex’s father for the problems in my marriage. She’s convinced George tried to run the show. She says George spoiled Betty rotten and was always undermining me. I know Mom would rather not be in his company, but when Tommy’s soccer team made it to the finals, she sat right next to George in the bleachers, and they actually hugged each other when Tommy made the winning goal.
SOME ADVICE:
Is opening the door to cordial relations pie-in-the-sky thinking? I don’t think so. Many ex-in-laws have thrown down the gauntlet for the sake of the family. And now might just be the time for you to be “managing your relationship” that I talked about earlier.
Here are some tips:
- Maintain civil and open communication. If you haven’t spoken to the ex-parents-in-law, find an excuse to open the door. You might send a holiday card or a note for a special anniversary or the birth of a new grandchild. When posting a general e-mail, add them to your list and wait for a response.
- Avoid dumping on the ex-laws to anyone who might carry tales or gossip. And remind your own parents that goes for them, too. There is no such thing as ‘Keep this under your hat.” Hats have been known to blow off in the wind.
- Try not to allow your negative feelings to get in the way. Accept the fact that, in order to keep the peace, you may have to overlook certain things the ex-laws say or did. Keep in mind they are hurting, too.
- Be upfront. Discuss your visitation rules: No excessive t.v. watching or video game playing. Johnny cannot eat hot dogs, etc. Be clear about bedtime schedules, if children stay overnight, but expect some over-indulgence and breaking of rules. Isn’t that what being a grandparent is all about?
- Do your best to make visitations stress-free. If it’s easier for you to drop the kids off and pick them up, offer to do so. Greet the ex-parents-in-law with a smile and express your appreciation for their going out of their way to give the children a good time.
- Be specific about how much advance notice you will need if there is a special family occasion (such as wedding, birthday parties) to which grandchildren are invited so you can work it into your schedule.
- If you feel that their weekly visits are a strain (especially if you are newly divorced), be politic and say it is best if, for now, they limit the visits to whatever works best for you. Once the family is stabilized, they can request more time.
- Create a visitation schedule so there is no confusion, making it known when they should arrive and deliver the children. Ask them to call if, for some reason, something interferes with the original arrangement – especially, if they are going to be late. And, by the way, you should show the same consideration if there are unanticipated changes in your schedule.
- Discuss with the grandparents what movies, toys, clothes and gifts you approve of if you think your taste and standard is quite different from theirs.
- Express your appreciation for the ex-laws’ efforts to show your children a good time. Be willing to overlook some things like Grammy forgot to wash Bobbi’s hair or put on the nice dress you packed. Remember it’s the smile on Bobbi’s face that counts when she walks through the door.
- And finally, don’t use the children as interlopers. While it’s tempting to ask for feedback about the ex, let your children enjoy a guilt-free visit. They shouldn’t be made to feel that they are “going to the other side.” And by the same token, if you sense that the grandparents have been plying them with questions about you, you should make it clear that seeing grandchildren is not a given … it’s a gift. They must respect the boundaries.
By encouraging a good relationship post-divorce with your ex-laws, you will, in the long run, lighten your load and add to the quality of your children’s lives. Is this all pie-in-the-sky thinking? I don’t believe it is. Give it a try.
In my book Your Child’s Divorce: What to Expect – What You Can Do I suggest lots of ways parents and ex-laws can support their divorcing son and daughter at all stages of divorce and family rebuilding.
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