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Michael Stone on Relationships


Dear Michael:

I'm always reading that rebound relationships rarely work. Can you be specific on how long (or short) these relationships typically last?

No Name Please

Dear No:

I receive letters that for the most part are gender specific, however, this question about rebound relationships has such universal appeal, it is directed toward both sexes for this weeks column. Nobody escapes the rebound relationship.

The reason why rebound relationships seldom work is because they are not designed to work, it is only a stop gap on our way of getting healthy and back on track with our lives. Here is how it works. A person has just gone through the worst breakup of a relationship known to man, or so it seems to them. During this time, it feels like your insides have been ripped out and you have a 1 foot diameter gapping hole in your chest. The absolute worst pain you can feel. You want to make this pain go away. You will do almost anything to rid yourself of this misery. This includes, but is not limited to, finding another person to plug up the hole. This other person many times, is not the right person for you, but you don't care at this moment, the hurt is gone and you feel better.

As time goes by, you are healing inside and out. You are rediscovering who you are, the person you "lost" in the past relationship. There is only one problem; you have what now feels like an appendage attached to your new image. It's that other person who has been there for you from the beginning, the one who was there during every step of your painful recovering process. They were there for all the bad and ugly you had to suffer to become the new and improved you, and now you hate them.

You are ready to meet someone new who does not know the old you. You want to shed the old person and everything attached to it that reminded you of where you came from. You then break off with your sidekick and they are left wondering what happened.

There are millions of these stories taking place right now on this planet; even to someone you may know. They last about as long as it takes for your partner to get mentally and emotionally healthy. This could mean one month to several years.

How do you guard yourself from falling into this trap?, by using careful observation and asking questions. I use a gauge about when to get involved with someone who has broken off with someone. It's called the 1 to 5 plan. In simple terms, divide the total years in the relationship by 5 and the answer is in years they need to recover. This is just an estimate of time, and one that seems to work most often. It's a fact when someone does end a relationship it takes time to get their head on straight. Give them plenty of time and space. I don't care how good looking or handsome they are, give them time to heal. If you rush in and try to help, chances are high you will be discarded when they are healed.

Another item I like to use is the old "So, tell me, what was your last relationship like?" and then stand back to observe their behavior. If they launch into a tirade about what a %#(*&^%$ that person was, they are not ready for you or anybody; they have too much unresolved anger to deal with. Remember, it does not matter what they say about a past relationship, it's how they say it that matters. Pass on this involvement. Take it from me, been there, done that and have learned the hard way. The percentages of these relationships that work are way too small to risk being dumped when they are done with you.

The Best To You

Michael

(Visit the Stone web site www.michaelstone.net to e-mail your letters)

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