Why Men Leave
Dr Brenda Shoshanna
After a relationship ends, whether it’s a 20 year marriage or a promising romance, women ask themselves over and over, why did he leave? What went wrong? They ask themselves, their girlfriends and their therapists. Sometimes they even spend weeks and months blaming themselves and become afraid to try again. Once they know what really happened, it’s always easier to move on.
Much of the suffering that goes on when relationships ends is that women do not understand who a man really is. They’re not aware of male psychology, don’t realize what’s going on inside the man. In order to be free of confusion and suffering, it’s crucial to know why men leave relationship? What is the number one reason it becomes dangerous to stay?
Below are some top reasons that men leave women, and what is causing it. This is based upon interviews with hundreds of men, and discussed fully in the book by Dr. Shoshanna, Why Men Leave. Guess which reason is number one?
They’re Waiting For The Perfect Partner
Some men have a secret fantasy which whispers that a perfect partner is somewhere, around the corner, waiting for him. This perfect partner will not only accept him as he is fully, but he’ll finally be able to express the parts of himself that are hidden. She’ll bring out the best in him. Rather than criticize and make demands, the perfect partner will give unconditionally and fulfill his every need. This fantasy should not be discounted, as it fuels much of this man's inner life. When a woman understands this fantasy fully, she has a secret for helping the man really thrive.
They Hear A Call To Adventure
As soon as some men see a relationship as stifling his basic need for adventure, he will feel himself to be trapped in a prison without bars. Many men live in this kind of situation, blaming a relationship for the dilemma he is in. They do not realize that their true need is to learn how to listen to and respond to the call of adventure from within. A woman who does best in this kind of relationship is one who provides a challenge.
They Suffer From A Fear Of Commitment
The fear of commitment is widely misunderstood. Commitment is a natural outcome of being in touch with the best in oneself. It arises inevitably when a man is living from the truth of who he is. When a man, however, is in a relationship out of obligation, guilt, on or to fulfill a false sense of self-esteem, no real commitment is possible. It’s important to understand the truth about commitment, how, all men really long for it. If he’s not committing, it’s because he doesn’t feel things are right for him.
They Fear That They Can’t Satisfy The Woman
There are some women who can never be satisfied no matter how much a man gives or tries to please. Some men become tied up in knots in these relationships and start to feel terrible about themselves. No matter how hard they try, they can’t get the approval they are hungry for. Some just live for those rare moments when they are acknowledged and thanked.
They’re In The Grip of Father Hunger
Father Hunger is the deep longing a man has to have a primary male role model that he can look up to, absorb, and be acknowledged and valued by. As well as constituting a crucial part of his identity, this primary father relationship is crucial for his initiation from boyhood into manhood. When this has been missing from a man's life, it’s often difficult for him to take the male role successfully in his relationships.
They’ve Got The Peter Pan Complex
Some men will never grow up - they refuse to. These Peter Pans can be enormously seductive, charming and fun to be with. However, for them, responsibility is seen as such a radical loss of freedom that they live their lives in perpetual adolescence, playing and rebelling against the demands of an adult life.
He’s The Fantasy Lover
This man's entire identity is based upon seeing himself as a fantastic lover who is irresistible to women - and to the whole world. Relationships and women exist to prop up and confirm his sense of himself. These men acquire the trophy wives and crave being continually seen in the right places and admired by all. The relationship becomes a tonic for their ego, a way to look in the mirror and love themselves. When relationship problems start to emerge these men become shaky and have little ability or desire to stay put and work things out.
He’s Acting Out The Repetition Compulsion
The Repetition Compulsion is the unconscious compulsion to repeat a painful situation or relationship over and over, in the hopes it will turn out differently this time. Usually each time is worse, brings more pain and disappointment. Even in the rare instances when the person gets what he wants, it does not satisfy the compulsion, but the person still starts over again. The only solution to this compulsion is to go back to the original trauma, face it fully and work it out.
He’s Involved With The Ghost Of A Past Relationship
These Ghosts are memories, dreams and longings that linger from past relationships, which have been finished but are not over. A man can hold onto the memory of a former wife or lover and idealize her to such an extent, it prevents him from being available to anyone in the present. These memories can also be fraught with guilt, anger, resentment and blame, which often become projected on the current relationship. These men must learn to say forgive the past, say good-bye, and develop the courage to love again.
The Main Reason Men Leave:
Men fear they can’t satisfy the woman, no mater how much they give. Men need lots of positive feedback and often it’s hard to get. It’s seems so much easier to say what’s wrong than to say what’s right.
Here are some Touchstones, (guidelines) for both women and men to decrease pain and help you understand relationships better and behave in a way that is helpful for all.
Touchstones For Women
- Realize the turbulence a man goes through often has nothing to do with you - and cannot be avoided.
- Give him space to discover himself, with an absence of guilt. His changes and dissatisfaction do not necessarily mean he does not love you. Allow him to be all that he is. Acceptance is love.
- Get busy becoming all the person you can be too. There is nothing worse for a relationship than a man feeling you are clinging to him for your life.
- Keep the mystery of who you are alive for both of you. Nothing kills a relationship like routine. Discover all pats of yourself and share them with him.
Touchstones For Men
- Restlessness and painful feelings come so you can understand yourself better. Don’t blame them on the relationship. This is not a time to run away, but stay put and understands what is going on inside.
- While you are unsettled and confused is not the best time to act. Choices made during this time are often ruled by feelings and needs from the past.
- Make sure you help the woman realize what you are going through. Do not blame her for it. Be patient with her and yourself.
- Understand that craving other women can become an addiction and escape from intimacy, bringing only more pain and repetition in its wake.
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