5-Step Prep for Future Stepparents
by Kelly Kirkendoll Shafer
So, youre going to be a stepparent? Or, maybe youre a new stepparent searching for some answers (fast!). Congratulations and welcome to a journey like no other, where the road can be smooth, full of potholes and a joyride (all in the same day).
I became a stepmom four years ago. My husband, David, brought three young children to our marriage; I brought two. Along the way, weve made our share of wrong turns, u-turns and successful shortcuts. Despite the complications and hard-won lessons along the way, I wouldnt trade my stepfamily for any other family in the world.
Im often asked how weve done it how have we made our stepfamily work? My short answer? With teamwork and bull-headed determination! More specifically, it's the groundwork, the 5-Step Prep," we laid before and after officially creating our stepfamily.
Step One
Take time (both before and after the wedding) to deal with any unfinished business you may have. Stepfamilies are emotionally intense and take a surprising amount of energy. As they instruct on airplanes, you must secure your own oxygen mask before you can effectively assist other family members. Without taking care of myself first, I would have been unable to effectively handle many situations Ive face as a stepparent.
Fortunately, there are many resources to help, including divorce recovery and grief support groups. Tap into other healing strategies, like journaling, counseling or opening up to a trusted friend or clergy member too.
Step Two
Discuss discipline with your partner. If either of you have children, youve already established your own parenting styles, and chances are, they dont match up perfectly. Thats okay! Unlike most traditional couples, step-couples dont have the luxury of time to jointly develop their discipline styles. However, they do have the opportunity to see each other in child-rearing action before jumping into a lifetime commitment. Take the time to discover, discuss and face any discipline differences head on. If you skipped this step before the wedding, its never too late to tackle this topic.
The key - look at your differences objectively and honestly. Try not to categorize each others discipline styles as right or wrong. Then, sit down together (away from the children) and determine your house rules. Be ready to compromise.
Next, communicate these rules to the children. The biological parent should do this, or it can be done together. In the beginning, its especially important that the biological parent handles the discipline for his/her own children. As relationships develop, stepparents can ease into a discipline role. Be patient and consistent, yet prepared to fine-tune your original plan along the way.
Step Three
Prepare the children. Stepfamilies are created out of loss either from divorce (90%) or death (10%). The most critical step in preparing children for stepfamily life is to help them deal with the losses theyve suffered. Children need time, opportunity and permission to grieve.
The second most important part of preparing the children is giving them time to get to know their future stepparent and any stepsiblings. Putting yourself or your partner in a parental role without giving the adult and children time to get to know each other first is not fair to anyone involved.
Finally, the announcement! Telling the children about your decision to create a stepfamily can be fun. But for some kids, it closes the lid on any dreams they harbored of Mom and Dad getting back together. Let them feel however they feel. If children dont have an opportunity to acknowledge and share their real feelings, these feelings will leak out later usually in bursts of anger, depression or rebellion.
Step Four
Adjust your expectations. This is the most important step. Many well-intentioned couples fail to look at the realities of stepfamily life. This doesnt mean you shouldnt be enthusiastic. Keep your optimism! A positive vision for your stepfamily will be a huge asset. But let go of your fantasy of creating a nuclear family. Stepfamilies are different than traditional families. Not better or worse, but definitely different.
Accept that you are just the stepparent (no matter how wonderful, horrible, absent or involved the parent living outside your home may be). You are an extra, parental figure in your stepchildrens life to love (or maybe just like) them, serve as a role model and guide them as they grow up.
Step Five
Relax and enjoy the journey. You dont have to be Super Stepparent!
© 2004 Kelly Kirkendoll Shafer. Used with permission from author.
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