Listen to the Stepchildren
by Susan Philips
Several years ago, my stepdaughter Susan, then in her mid 20’s and about to get married, asked me a question. “If you didn’t think it was right for me to spend so much time with my boyfriend when I was in high school, why didn’t you say something? Why weren’t you more honest with me? I would have listened to you.”
Her question haunted me for weeks. Why hadn’t I intervened more in her life? And then I wondered about all the other things I hadn’t said or done while I was helping to raise my three stepchildren. I thought I was doing the right thing. I knew how to be a mom to my son Jake, but a stepmom—what did I know? Nothing in my life had prepared me for that role.
The truth is that while my three brothers and I were growing up in suburban Los Angeles during the 1950’s, divorce was rare. I can still remember the hushed voices when the kids were in our home. They are from a “broken family,” my parents would whisper. A “broken family.” That can’t be good.
And flash, one generation later and divorce is so commonplace that it is rare to find a child who isn’t from a “broken family.” One out of every two marriages ends in divorce. What people may not know is that three-fourths of divorced people remarry, and most bring children into their new families. Sadly, a staggering 60% of all second marriages with children end in divorce, and if this trend continues, by the year 2010 more children will be living in stepfamilies than in the intact families.
There was little help for me 20 years ago when my son Jake and I moved in with my husband Art and his three children. At that time, there was plenty of advice about divorce, but very little about what happens after a divorce when people remarry and form new families. Stepfamilies were still too new. All Art and I had were some half-baked ideas and a lot of faith. And we were convinced, coming from the 1960’s, that love would solve all problems.
Fortunately, with some luck and a lot of family support, our stepfamily worked out pretty well. Our kids consider themselves brothers and sisters; I have planned dozens of birthday parties, weddings and baby showers with the mother of my stepchildren; and when my stepson and his wife had their first child they named her after their grandmother, my mother. But it wasn’t easy, not for me and not for the children. And, as my stepdaughter reminded me, it doesn’t mean that I did everything right. I made plenty of mistakes, not because I was a terrible person, but because, like many of you, I didn’t know any better.
Today stepfamilies are squarely on the cultural radar screen. Everything from self-help books to Internet chat rooms offer advice. Yet looking over the lot of it, I was struck by the fact that for the most part, everything was from the perspective of stepparents and parents. How odd. How can you write about stepfamilies without talking with the stepchildren? This was my “aha” moment: I would ask the stepchildren themselves.
Trained as a journalist, I forged ahead. I began with what I call my “take a stepchild to lunch” approach. I buy your lunch; you tell your story. Some stepchildren cried as they told their stories. Others told jokes. Yet at the core of each story was an authenticity that shook me to my core. I knew I was on to something. I knew that the stepchildren offered a perspective that could help thousands of families succeed.
From the dozens of stepchildren I took to lunch, I selected ten to interview in depth. They were all in their late 20’s and early 30’s. They came from different parts of the county, socio economic classes, sexual orientations and ethnicities. Six are female and four are males. Seven are Anglo, two Hispanic and one African American. Yet while their backgrounds and experiences are different, they nonetheless reach similar conclusions about what it takes to build healthy stepfamilies. Here are a few of the important things I learned.
To parents: The stepchildren tell us that it is the parents, not the stepparents or children, that make or break a new family. The parents must be responsible for clarifying everyone’s role in the new family. Who disciplines the children? Who talks with the other parent? And who takes the children to the doctor, dentist, and baseball practice and back to school night? This is especially important in the early stages of stepfamilies, and everyone must have a say in the decisions. Once the rules are set, it is the responsibility of the parents to check things out regularly. Our stepchildren recommend that parents schedule regular family meetings to discuss how things are going, what’s working and what isn’t. They also feel strongly that when there are problems, parents need to take action immediately.
To stepparents: Your stepchildren do not want to hate you. They want to like and be liked by you. As Julie, a stepchild in the book, says, “they may put up a bit of fuss in the beginning, but it will be pretty easy to win them over if you’re not too pushy and authoritative.” In their heart of hearts, they want you to be another caring adult in their lives. They want you to attend their ballet recitals, basketball games and back-to-school night, hold their hand when they go to the doctor, comfort them when they come home with a “D” in chemistry. They want you to be “parent like.” As another stepchild Sam says, “Part of the word stepparent is parent. The authority, the influence and the meaningfulness will come from the fact that you are there.”
However, the stepchildren tell us to never try to take the place of their “real” mom or dad. Don’t take this personally. It isn’t about you. When you’ve done everything possible to please a stepchild and all he or she wants to do is call their “real” mom or dad, take a deep breath and try to remember that while your stepchildren want you in their lives, they do have parents. As Sam reminds us, “You can’t be that person and should not try to be a substitute for that person. Your relationship should be important on its own terms.”
So how do you do this? The stepchildren advise us to take the relationship slowly and allow it to develop naturally. Show by words and deeds that you genuinely care about them. Stock your refrigerator with their favorite foods. And perhaps most important, do things together. Take hikes, go to movies, play chess, go to baseball games, and go shopping for clothes.
A final note about the ten stepchildren in my book, Stepchildren Speak. Despite all the pain and anxiety they may have experienced, despite the wounds that still smart today, they still believe that stepfamilies can work, and they offer their best advice to help in the process. Families can, in Sam’s words, “facilitate the betterment of everyone’s who’s in them.”
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