Whether you agree with my religious beliefs, attitudes, or views on morality I think most of us can agree that any child deserves the right to be born and raised in a loving and safe atmosphere. Periodically, I will run into people at my church or on the streets, which don’t fully understand why I am raising a little boy by myself. “Carl, are you divorced?” “Are you a widower?” “Your wife must work a lot we’ve never met her.” All are logical assumptions that I am confronted with at least a couple of times a week. When I kindly respond with “no I am not divorced, Gavin was born out of wedlock,” there is an uncomfortable silence that permeates until I am able to explain the situation. Most of the people I have talked to are very sympathetic and impressed that a man in my situation would take on such a gigantic responsibility all by himself! I have never considered myself to be some sort of hero or saint just because I chose to raise my little boy. To me, it was a no-brainer. Gavin is my son!
Now, four years into this parenting rollercoaster, I can honestly say, “NO, I DON’T WANT TO GET OFF!” Don’t get me wrong, sometimes I wish the speed, or the curves on the tracks of my life could be reduced, but I don’t ever want to stop being Gavin’s daddy! A statement I have heard often is “the joy is in the journey!” Yes single parenting can be a gratifying and fulfilling experience but it’s one endeavor that ideally would include two loving parents who live under the same roof. The constant emotional, financial, and social demands and pressures associated with raising a small toddler can seem overwhelming at times. For most, having another spouse, to help with the workload is imperative. Still, I know of many single moms and dads, like myself, who have dug in and accepted the fact that raising a child might well be a lifelong, solo journey. To reiterate what Wade, my barber, said, “when raising a child by yourself you don’t wine or fuss, you just do it!” There is a growing fraternity of dedicated single moms and dads who don’t look back and say “why me.” Instead, we look forward and say “why not me!” My faith in Christ and the overwhelming desire to be a good daddy are the two things that continue to drive and motivate me daily.
How would I react to those who think that I should be ashamed of myself and that God would never forgive someone in my situation? I would respond by saying that I not only let myself down by losing my virginity, but more important I let God down. Was the path I chose into fatherhood ill advised or out of God’s perfect will? Definitely! Would I travel down that same road of carnality again to have another child? NO WAY! Like “Humpty Dumpty,” of children’s fables fame, my heavenly father, through his unfathomable grace and mercy, was the only one who could reach down and put me back together again after I tumbled off my wall of abstinence. If you know of a single mother or father in your area don’t shun them. Encourage them with a kind word or helping hand? Offering to baby-sit, mow the grass, work around the house or buy groceries would be looked upon as a miracle for those overworked and under appreciated moms and dads.
I hope these pages will somehow be an encouragement to those who are in a similar situation or who might be battling their own demons of despair and hopelessness. Remember a child who is loved grows up to be a parent that cares!
Facts & Statistics!
Primarily men who were abandoned or rejected by their fathers populate prisons. Motivational speaker and writer Zig Ziglar quotes his friend Bill Glass, a dedicated evangelist who counseled almost every weekend for twenty-five years with men who were incarcerated, as saying that among the thousands of prisoners he had met, not one of them genuinely loved his dad. Ninety-five percent of those on death row hated their fathers.1 In 1998, there were 1,202,107 people in federal or state prisons. That amounts to 98.6 percent males.2 Clearly, as Barbara Jackson said, "It is far easier to build strong children than to repair broken men."3
Some years ago, executives of a greeting-card company decided to do something special for Mother’s Day. They set up a table in a federal prison, inviting any inmate who so desired to send a free card to his mom. The lines were so long; they had to make another trip to the factory to get more cards. Due to the success of the event, they decided to do the same thing on Father’s Day, but this time no one came. Not one prisoner felt the need to send a card to his dad. Many had no idea who their fathers even were.4 What a sobering illustration of a dad’s importance to his children.
1. Dave Simmons, Dad, the Family Counselor (Nashville: Thomas Nelson Publishers, 1992), p. 112. 2. Bureau of Justice, Statistics of the Department of Justice.See www.ojp.usdoj.gov/bjs. 3. Terri Tabor, "Keeping Kids Connected: Elgin High Program Puts At-Risk Students on Straighter Path," Chicago Daily-Herald, 17 September 1999, p. 1. 4. James Robison, My Father’s Face: A Portrait of the Perfect Father (Sisters, OR: Multnomah Press, 1997).
Did you know?
There are 11.9 million single parents in the US.(7)
28% (20 million) of all children in the US under 18 live with one parent.(6)
84% of children who live with one parent live with their mother.(6)
The percentage of children who live with two parents has been declining among all racial and ethnic groups. (1)
32% of all births were to unmarried women in 1997. (2)
56% of single parent households had no other adult living in the house.(6)
The number of single mothers (9.8 million) has remained constant while the number of single fathers grew 25% in three years to 2.1 million in 1998. Men comprise one-sixth of the nation's single parents.(7)
Of children living with one parent: 38% lived with a divorced parent; 35% with a never-married parent; 19% with a separated parent; 4% with a widowed parent; 4% with a parent whose spouse lived elsewhere because of business or some other reason.(8)
Most single-parent children live in metropolitan areas (14.5 million), and six in 10 of them (9.2 million) are in cities with populations of 1 million or more.(8)
(1)US Census Bureau. (2)National Center for Health Statistics. (6)US Census Bureau March 1998 Supplement to the Current Population Survey. (7)US Census Bureau Household and Family Characteristics March 1998. (8)US Census Bureau-Census Brief "Children with single parents-how they fare" September 1997.
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