They won't do anything until we're yelling! Or Will They?
Jeanette Kasper © 2002
Anger is not an emotion. Anger is our defense mechanism of attacking others. We only get defensive when we don't feel safe. The emotion is fear. The action or intent to attack is our anger.
From the least bit of irritation to the greatest degree of rage, your anger indicates that there is fear, and you are in attack mode.
The human animal will defend itself in three ways.
1. We will freeze. That was very effective back in our Neanderthal stage. A sabertooth tiger was approaching us. We knew we couldn't outrun it, and we couldn't outfight it, so we would freeze, hoping it wouldn't see us. My middle son uses this strategy. Whenever his dad or I are angry with him, he freezes (so we can't see him, I guess.) This isn't necessarily the most effective defense today, but most of us have used it.
2. We will run and hide. This is our greatest tendency. Most of us will avoid conflict if we can.
3. We attack-sarcasm, irritation, annoyance, yelling, raging-we are attacking.
When you get angry with the kids, they know you are attacking them. You give two strong messages: #1. I'm attacking you, so defend yourself. #2. I'm your pack leader, and I'm scared. Defend yourself.
The little part of the brain called the amygdala, or safety brain, slams a gateway down in the brain, forcing us into defense mode, whenever it judges a situation to be unsafe. Fight or flight.
When we are in defense mode, we have absolutely no access to our thinking brain-the neocortex-the part of the brain responsible for rational, logical thought. The safety brain shuts it out of the loop and takes over.
When either you or the kids are defensive and frozen, walking away, or angry, neither of you has access to rational, logical thought. Any conversation where both parties are defensive will rapidly escalate, as both of you try to get the other to back down, so your safety brain can see that the situation is safe.
Get angry with the kids and you have given them absolutely no option but to defend themselves.
Are you angry with them minute by minute, hourly, daily? The more often you get irritated, the greater their realization that you aren't safe to be with. Are your children defensive all of the time?
Defensiveness shows up as poor and inappropriate behavior: getting angry, not doing their chores or homework, treating you and others with disrespect, ignoring the house rules, not cooperating, sullenness, leaving a mess, staying out far too late with friends, taking the car without permission, etc. These behaviors indicate only one thing: they don't feel safe.
The other problem you cause by getting angry with the kids is, you are showing them that you are scared and in defense mode. (Remember, you only get defensive and attack when you feel unsafe.)
You are the pack leader. The pack leader has to be stronger than everyone else in the pack, otherwise the pack never feels safe, and is continuously in defense mode. They may also start fighting you for position as leader.
Do your children question every decision you make and everything you say? They won't take "No" for an answer, and you dread every request because it turns into a battle? They are fighting you for position.
As parents, teachers, or coaches, we need to show the kids that we are strong, calm leaders and that they are safe with us.
There are always two ways of dealing with a situation. Imagine that the kids have broken one of the big windows in the building (house or school). You can start yelling and blaming. Or you could say, "Nice job, guys. What are you going to do about it?"
The first way is attacking and guarantees their defensiveness in return. The second way shows that you are safe and strong. Both of you maintain access to your thinking brains, effective solutions are found.
When the anger starts to build, use one of these five physical solutions:
#1. Exercise. 10 minutes per day is OK. The more you get, the calmer you are.
#2. Laughter-releases endorphins (the feel good chemical) into the body.
#3. Write. The ability to use a tool comes from the thinking part of the brain. Writing, coloring, puttering in the garage, sewing; when doing any of these you are using a tool and forcing access to your thinking brain. You calm down faster and stay calmer, longer.
#4. Logic problems. Crosswords. Word searches. Jigsaw puzzles. Ten minutes working on any one of these will find you calm and at ease.
#5. Abdominal breathing-blow out all of your air. Hold as long as possible. Breathe in. This stops the adrenal glands from flooding the body with adrenaline. No flood of adrenaline, no defensiveness.
All of these can be used in the classroom and at home for yourself and with the kids. Everyone will be calmer.
Show them you are safe to be with. Dealing with them more calmly guarantees their greater cooperation and happiness-and yours.
