An Attribute For Success!
By Doug Hewitt
Parents often tell me that they feel a sense of duty to raise their children in a way that makes them become successful adults. Granted. I feel that way, too. But my first question is, how do you define success?
Different people measure success in many different ways. A church official might have a different yardstick than a mill worker. Does success imply a spiritual path? What about money? Can you have a successful child who is homeless? The children of Bill Gates do not have to worry about having cash. Does this fact make them successful?
But remember that no matter what your definition of success is, your children are little adults in waiting. They will reach an age when your influence is lessened, if not downright nullified by their peers. And there'll come a time when they move out of the house (well, hopefully). And what then? Isn't part of parenting to help prepare a child to be able to cope with life when the parents aren't around anymore? Keep in mind that these are children who at one time believed that their parents could make everything all right, no matter what the problem.
There are many attributes that we, as parents, wish to instill in our children, especially if we want them to be successful. But a case can be made that a sense of humor is the most important.
Whether or not everyone possesses a sense of humor is debatable. But certainly everybody needs one. As the father of three children, I certainly do. And for this example, it wasn't my children who reminded me of this need. It was me.
I'm divorced, so I do my parenting on the weekend. As the author of The Practical Guide To Weekend Parenting (Hatherleigh Press), I take my weekend parenting seriously. I understand that any attributes I wish to instill in my children has to come from the time I spend with them on Saturdays and Sunday.
One Saturday, I was waiting outside my condo for my children. They were still inside, getting dressed. We were all going to climb into my car and go play miniature golf. While waiting, I got bored, so I pretended to be a baseball player. I began tossing stones straight up into the air and whacking them with a stick into an adjacent field. It seemed safe enough. I was well away from the building. Besides, I wasn’t trying to knock home runs. My swings were gentle. But then I encountered a problem, namely, a “foul tip.” The stone tumbled through the air over my right shoulder and ever so gently struck the rear windshield on my car. Despite the softness of the impact, the window shattered.
It must've been one of those stress points I keep hearing about. At the time, staring at the hundreds of small window fragments tumbling to the ground, I was dumbfounded. I fell to my knees, knowing I didn’t have enough money to get a windshield. I rolled onto my side and buried my head in my arms, trying to regain a sense of composure. My children eventually came out and found me there. It was only after I explained to them what had happened that my breathing finally returned to normal.
Of course, I'd forgotten about car insurance. At the time, though, freshly divorced, trying to maintain a semblance of a family life with children I saw only on the weekends, my confidence in holding things together shattered along with the window's safety glass. With a little duct tape, though, I survived the ordeal. And a few days and a call to the insurance company later, my car's windshield was replaced. To commemorate the event, my mischievous son put a small Band-Aid on the rear bumper, where it remained several years despite the wear and tear.
Last week, this traumatic (for me) event came up in conversation with my children, who are now six or seven years older. We all had a good laugh, even me.
That's when I began thinking about the expression, “laugh it off.” Certainly it was good that the four of us could laugh about an event that happened seven years earlier. If nothing else, a family that is laughing together is developing stronger bonds. And laughing, most doctors agree, is healthy. It relieves stress. It helps maintain a healthy frame of mind.
So, it’s important that we can laugh at our misfortunes. Especially if we can laugh at them along with our children. The next time your children are over for the weekend, rent a funny movie, tell a joke, get your kids to laugh with you. Try to help them develop a sense of humor.
When my teenage daughter’s boyfriend broke up with her, she was crushed. Tears flowed freely amid the sniffles. I made joke about soaping the windows of her ex-boyfriend's car. That got a smile, even though it was a brief one. While my joke didn’t elicit a laugh, I knew I’d broken the spell of self-remorse. No, she couldn’t laugh it off, but she had to admit to me that she believed she would one day be able to. And after such a tragic event in the life of a teenage girl, a relationship break-up, being able to understand that perspective is important. Humor helps with that ability.
So the next time you're thinking about your children's future, about how you want to raise them to be successful adults, make sure having a healthy sense of humor is at the top of your list. And if you want to laugh at that suggestion, that's all right, too. Maybe you can mention it to your children and laugh with them together.
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