Want to Get Rid of the Fighting? Just Step into the "Neutral Zone"
Once upon a time&
I accidentally found the "neutral zone." It was some 25 years ago. I was a young mother with a two-year-old from hell who was stubborn to the core. One day, when she was screaming her opposition at taking a bath, I thought to myself: "This child is a terrible pill."
A character, then, jumped into my mind-an awful, hateful little girl named Hilda Pilda. When my daughter paused to take a breath, I quickly said in my most dramatic voice, "Once upon a time, there was a little girl named Hilda Pilda who never, ever wanted to take a bath."
Five minutes and one story later, my daughter was happily playing in her bath and I was sitting on the floor wondering exactly what miracle I had wrought. Today, after telling hundreds of stories to my two daughters and three grandchildren, I call that miracle-stepping into the "neutral zone."
What is the "neutral zone"? A place where&
Both you and your child leave your anger, frustration, and fighting behind. Here's how it works:
· You start creating the "neutral zone" when you step back from your own upsetting emotions and decide to defuse a difficult situation with a story.
· Your child is a natural-born listener to stories. In fact, researchers who study story-telling say that a love of stories is universal in human beings and the ability to listen and tell stories begins at age two.
· Your child really, really wants to hear the story-so much, in fact, that he/she willingly steps back from his/her upset and angry feelings in order to listen.
· The story creates an emotional "neutral zone." It's about the difficult situation you and your child are facing, but it's not about either of you. It's about a story child and a story parent.
· The "neutral zone" gives you and your child a new way to communicate. You get to express your worries through the story parent.
· Your child gets to yell "No" when the story child won't do what the story parent wants, and "Yes" when the story child figures out the consequences of an inappropriate choice and agrees to do the right thing.
· By the time the story is over-3-5 minutes at most-you have a happy, agreeable child, a positive ending, and an enriching family experience.
"Can it really be that simple?" I can hear you asking. Let me answer your question this way. First, story-telling is part of your "hard-wiring" and you can learn how to hone your skills to tell a story to your child. Before my first Hilda Pilda story, I had never told a story of my own to my daughter. I'd always relied on books.
Secondly, I have never met a small child who wouldn't stop everything to hear a story, particularly from the most important person in his/her life-you.
Is it that simple? Yes. And what's more&
Have you ever heard a toddler say, "I'm sorry, Mommy (or Daddy) for doing that. I apologize and I'll never do it again"? Of course not.
Toddlers get into difficult situations and don't know how to get out of them because they're too young to have the social skills. But that doesn't mean they don't want a way out. They do but, just like you, they don't want to lose "face."
Stories allow you to "negotiate" with your child in a non-threatening and pleasurable way. You have the story-telling resources, and your child has the hunger for words, a powerful imagination that allows him/her to "experience" the story, and a deep need for intimacy with you.
All you have to do is&step into the "neutral zone."
And the more stories you tell to defuse situations, the more accustomed your child gets to your new method of "negotiating." Pretty soon, all you need to say is "Would you like to hear a story about the time that&?" and your child will settle down to listen.
And also reap the extra benefits of family story-telling&
I'm a great believer in the power of books to help develop literacy in children, to teach them about the world, and to create wonderful family moments.
But story-telling has its own magic-a special kind of closeness between you and your child. Your face, your voice, your hand motions create indelible impressions. My daughter can remember stories I told her 25 years ago.
My grandchildren who are now school age repeat stories back to me with details I've long forgotten. They love to talk about the time that Hilda Pilda (or Thomas Pildus for my grandson) did this thing or that thing.
What's more, they now tell me stories, displaying confidence in their own creative skills and also demonstrating an ability to focus, organize, interpret, and synthesize their experiences.
In other words, when you start story-telling, you'll find yourself creating wonderful family traditions that will enrich your life and that of your children.
And, finally, just a little more about me&
In addition to being a mother, grandmother, and family story-teller, I have worked for many years as a professional writer and editor. I'm now fulfilling a life-long educational dream and am a doctoral student in communications at Carleton University in Ottawa, Ontario.
