Mother Nurture
© Rick Hanson, Ph.D., and Jan Hanson, L.Ac., 2002
How a Mother Can Get Depleted
Before having kids, I had a lot of energy and felt very healthy. But now, with a 4 year old and a baby, Im run down, I get colds frequently, and my menstrual cycle has gotten more intense. My doctors sympathetic but says Im fine. What do you think?
Weve heard statements like this one from nearly every mother weve ever met. Many of them think in the back of their minds that they must be doing something wrong.
But in fact, you feel the way you do for very concrete, physical reasons, and understanding those reasons gives you clarity, eliminates self-blame and guilt, and points you toward solutions.
Think about it: motherhood is profoundly fulfilling . . . but it is also the most physically demanding and stressful activity most people whether women or men will ever do, and it gets done day after day for twenty or more years. The job is harder the more kids you have, or if any of your children have special needs like a challenging temperament, disability, or health problem.
Some dads are great: skillful with the kids and committed to parenthood, they do their fair share around the house and are sympathetic and supportive. But lets face it: many are not. The average mom works about twenty hours more per week, altogether, than does her partner, regardless of whether shes drawing a paycheck. And if youre rearing your children essentially alone, as do one in five mothers, youre getting little to no help from a partner at all.
Plus most mothers are raising a family today in an environment that is vastly different from - and at odds with - the one in which human beings are adapted to and are meant to have kids. The frantic pace, lack of supportive community, scary culture, need to juggle work and home, toxic pollutants that even appear in breast milk, mediocre nutrition, etc., etc. all wear on a mothers mind and body.
As a result of all these factors, research has shown that raising a family is associated with generally poorer health in a woman, especially as the number of her pregnancies increases. In particular, studies have found that motherhood raises a womans risk for:
" fatigue " cardiovascular disease
" nutritional deficits " hormonal problems
" diabetes " kidney disease
" gallbladder disease " some kinds of cancer
" depression " a higher overall mortality rate
Even when a mother seems to have a purely mental concern - such as irritability, poor memory, or a blue mood - there is often, in fact, something awry with her body. It all adds up over time. Youre pouring out more and handling more stresses, but taking less in. It's no wonder if you feel used up, emptied out - in a word, DEPLETED. Besides being a psychological experience, your body could be getting depleted as well, which means both that its vital nutrients are becoming drained and its key systems are getting dysregulated.
Motherhood is not a medical issue, but depletion is. Every year, it impacts millions of American women and their family members, and it probably leads to billions of dollars in health care expenses and lost productivity.
So we dont think youre fine. Sure, youre not ready for the hospital but you shouldnt have to be in the Emergency Room to get the care that will help you feel really good, rather than merely not-sick!
In future columns, you can learn about proven methods for getting the stress relief, nutrition, health care, teamwork, and intimacy you need. They will prevent depletion and build up your well-being, so that this wonderful time in your life is as good as it can possibly be.
And meanwhile, you can start feeling better about things just knowing that you are not alone, that objective factors have brought you to this point (not a personal failing!), and that there are plenty of good ways to improve your health and your mood.
(Rick Hanson is a clinical psychologist, Jan Hanson is an acupuncturist/nutritionist, and they are raising a daughter and son, ages 11 and 14. With Ricki Pollycove, M.D., they are the authors of Mother Nurture: A Mothers Guide to Health in Body, Mind, and Intimate Relationships, published by Penguin. You can see their website at www.nurturemom.com or email them with questions or comments at [email protected]; unfortunately, a personal reply may not always be possible.)
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