Father's Day
Becoming Aware
It has been a number of years since my wife and I separated. However, the trauma of beginning life again after seventeen years of marriage still lingers. I was always very much in control of my life and my feelings. I was the type of person people would come to with their problems, fears and anxieties. I learned that life doesn't always work out the way one plans.
The feeling that there was something wrong with my marriage occurred in stages over a few years. It was a realization that slowly crept into my semi-conscious mind. I never spoke of this feeling with anyone. However, every once in a while I found myself looking at the "apartments for rent" column in the local newspaper. It would take a few years before I actually could admit to myself what was happening.
By the time my wife and I split up we had created two separate lives beyond the lives we shared with our children. We both had careers and were spending more time with colleagues. The two of us got together for vacations, the children's routines, and other special family events. Neither of us recognized, or would admit, what was happening. Meanwhile, the tension continued to build in the home. Something had to be done.
Little things began to aggravate us. If one person went to bed earlier than the other, it was commented on negatively. When one of us went out at night it was resented. Minor issues became major reasons to argue. Ugly words were used that had never been used before.
My Role as Dad
At the time, my son was seven and my daughter was ten years old. My children and I were very close. As parents, my wife and I had always managed to divide equally our parental duties. In addition to the regular routine, I also coached baseball and hockey, but we took turns taking the children to their swimming and ballet lessons. We took family vacations together every year. Because I am a teacher, my schedule allowed me to spend more time with the children. Most of their friends knew me well, as I was one of the few dads on the street who arrived home early each night. Household chores were also divided evenly between my wife and me. However, my wife did tend to cook most of the meals.
I'm describing my role as a father to give you a clearer picture of our lives at that time. I reviewed these roles prior to the separation. I spent endless hours attempting to assess how traumatic my departure from the home would be on the children. I reflected on my own father and wondered how my life would be different had he not been a part of my life. These thoughts caused great concern and worry. Eventually, I acknowledged that the marriage was not salvageable. However, I also came to the conclusion that my children needed me, as their father, to maintain my role as an active part of their lives.
Reflection
As a teacher I worked with many families and students who had gone through divorce. My experience showed me that children who adjusted well to a divorce seemed to have fathers who remained involved with them. I am fully aware that a divorce is extremely difficult for children of any age. However, my experience demonstrated there is greater hope for children to live happy productive lives when their dads continue to play an active part in their everyday upbringing.
The Emotional Drain
I analyzed the situation as clearly as I could. However, I was unprepared for the emotional drain the separation would cause prior to my leaving the home. As young boys, many of us are taught to be emotionally strong. Crying is considered a sign of weakness. I could not recall ever seeing my father cry. I had seldom cried growing up. During the time of the separation, I cried more often than I had cried in my whole life. I would keep this private. I tended to cry in the shower when wondering whether I was going to lose my children. Guilt was creeping into my thoughts. Would my children ever forgive me for leaving? Would I still have access to my children? These and other questions raced through my mind.
Getting Help
A counselor can help you recognize guilt and en-courage you to deal with it. You may feel guilty that you are divorced or getting divorced. It could be that you have guilt because of what you feel you have done to your children. Divorce is often perceived as a sign of failure, and it certainly could weigh some people down for a long time.
My counselor helped me realize that failure is okay as long as you can pick yourself up and learn from it. Wanting to be there for my children, let alone get on with my own life, gave me lots of incentive. Let's face it: if we as fathers are going to be able to provide our children with a stable environment in our new home, we have to be emotionally stable ourselves. How can we be sensitive to our children's needs if we are constantly worried about our own?
Parenting Together through the Storm
A father needs to have access to his children. For him to be denied access for income-related reasons effectively provides children with a handicap that they will carry for the rest of their lives. Custody arrangements must respect both roles and the impact that both parents have on their children.
The children will need as much emotional support as possible, particularly in the months following the separation. Part of a father's emotional stability will be directly connected to his ability to remain a provider for his children. Following a separation, basic needs such as food, clothing, and shelter can loom very large for many men. These fundamentals will have to be attainable if a father is going to have an equal opportunity to continue to be a guiding force in the lives of his children. Court rulings that deprive fathers of basic needs through unreasonable child support rulings are depriving children of a healthy upbringing. Fathers who are able to rebuild their lives and maintain a close relationship with their children will make a huge difference in their lives.
The legal conclusion to a divorce will ultimately define a father's financial capabilities as well as his access to the children. However, what it cannot do is predetermine that someone will be a good divorced father. While I was married I had to work at being a good father and now that I am divorced I have to work even harder at it. It is different from the joint parenting role I had before, but just as fulfilling.
Stay Involved
Don't underestimate the power of being a part of your child's daily schedule. As much as possible, build your schedule around theirs. Slot them into your own busy schedule if you have to. They don't have to monopolize each day, but they need to feel that they are still of utmost importance to you. To do this try scheduling regular visits or phone calls to them.
I don't believe dragging custody battles out in court is productive for the children. However, a father has the right to equal time with his children. Divorced fathers should make a point of remaining an integral part of their children's lives. Our role is not limited to providing child support payments twice a month. I feel my children need me for so much more and I make a sincere attempt to meet these needs. Fathers who feel they do not have enough access to their own children must stay as involved as possible and fight for what is right if necessary.
Your Reaction Counts
Threats and obscenities on a father's part can only create further turmoil within the family in general and the children specifically. Your children are going to hear things elsewhere and comment. It is important not to have a knee-jerk reaction to information that is shared with you through the children. Show them that you can listen and be thought-ful. Remember, they will probably make the comment specifically to see your reaction.
I know that I was hurt by comments that I heard second-hand. After years of marriage this is a natural feeling. However, as a father I want to be considered a good role model for my children. A failed marriage does not mean I have failed as a father. As divorced fathers we must continue to manifestly practice our parenting skills to retain our natural right as fathers.
Hopefully, after many years our children will be able to look back and appreciate the effort that their father made to give them a healthier and happier life.
Back to Visiting Authors
