Building a Loving Legacy
Tamara Berry and Tanya Stowe
Traditions help us create identities. They say, "This is how we do things." They define who we are, where we've been and most importantly for us parents, where we're going. Traditions are one of the basic tools for building character.
I came into my marriage with few possessions. My mom had given me my baby book and all that she saved of my childhood & about ten pages worth stuffed in the back. My husband, on the other hand, came with furniture he had inherited from various family members, a baby book full to bursting, and numerous collections his mother had saved for him over the years.
But I had something my husband didn't. I had memories, rich, strong memories of family vacations in our little trailer, Christmas caroling at the local convalescent hospital, magic shows performed in our backyard, family football in the front yard on Thanksgiving Day, and countless other family events and stories, some old, some passed on for generations.
I had an unbreakable bond with my brothers, the kind of unconditional love developed from hours of time spent together. I had a sense of security, knowing what to expect during holidays and celebrations and also, what was expected of me. I had traditions.
I was in grade school when my parents decided my mother would stay home with my three brothers and me. It was the 70's and many women were entering the work force, but my parents chose for my mother to stay home to make ends meet. That meant my father needed to go back to school to further his education. Suddenly, my mom found herself on a tight budget and alone on school nights & particularly Halloween.
After school, my brother and I would hit the door, suffering from a school-party-sugar high and run through the house, sending my younger brothers into a toddler tizzy. It was all my mother could do to get us settled down, something solid in our stomachs and into our homemade costumes before our neighborhood friends started showing up. To make this task easier, she put a pot of her chili on to simmer before we arrived. To this day, Mom's homemade chili is indelibly printed on my memory with good friends, silky black Dracula capes, crisp autumn nights and a thousand sparkling stars.
Traditions often start from a necessity. Something needs to be done so a routine is started. When the need disappears but the routine continues, it becomes a tradition.
My mother didn't realize she'd created a family tradition until years later. My older brother and I had married and moved off to start our own families. My younger brothers were in high school, so my mother stopped making chili. For my brothers, Halloween ceased to be Halloween. They hounded my mother and I until she agreed to make chili and I agreed to visit with my children.
Halloween evening arrived and the size of the chili pot grew as my brothers invited their high school friends. My older brother came with his children and all nine grandchildren began to run around the house, looking for costumes and demanding time in the bathroom. I could see from my mother's harried expression that we had indeed, captured the flavor of the old days. Neither of us was so sure it was a good thing.
Then we watched in amazement as my brothers ladled hot chili into bowls for their nieces and nephews and began to swap stories with their friends of favorite costumes and Halloweens past. As my mother and I saw my young children, listening to their uncles' fun memories, all our doubts vanished. Once again, our family home was the gathering place for this festive night. Our Halloween was complete.
Over the years, we began to explore other traditions and why they had value to us. What would have occurred if we'd planned those traditions? What might we have accomplished if we had put more purpose and direction into those family events?
Parents without partners have a particularly daunting task. How can traditions be built when the kids are busy hopping back and forth between homes? How is it possible to focus on building anything when the most important daily goal is getting dinner and homework done so everyone can go to bed at a reasonable hour?
Studies tell us time and again the most important thing we can do for our children as parents without partners is to establish routines. Schedules foster security & a sense of knowing what to expect and when. So why not make those routines fun?
Create a small point system. Each child receives points for completing their tasks in a timely, neat manner. At the end of the evening, the child with the most points gets to choose the game. A half hour before bedtime, the whole family sits down to play the game. No one loses, there's just a little perk for the one who works the hardest and everyone benefits from the thing they need most & time with you.
There can be as many traditions as there are families and situations. The important thing is to determine what you want to teach your children. Who are you and what do you want your family to stand for?
Here are some of the ways to discover those important family traditions:
1. Make a list of the morals and character traits you want to develop in your children.
2. Make a list of memorable moments in your life in addition to memorable routines you established. What made you appreciate them? What was involved? Why do they stand out in your memory? What goal did they accomplish?
3. Establish routines for your family that will encompass your goals for their morals and character traits. Make these routines fun and enjoyable. Eventually these special routines will become traditions.
If you already have some family traditions and are wondering how you can make them stronger:
4. Examine the current traditions. Ask yourself why are they important to your family? Are they fun time? Do they say something about us? Do they remind us of grandpa, or when we were growing up or that vacation in New York we took ten years ago? Are they instilling values and admirable character?
5. Make an outline for every large tradition. List what the tradition is, its goal and the time and materials needed. This will make the tradition easier to do and will preserve it for future generations. Using the goals from the previous step, work diligently at building memories and teachable moments.
6. Keep it simple. Less is best. This leaves more time for bonding and spontaneity.
7. If it isn't working, scrap it. You know what is best for your family. You know what works and what doesn't. Steven Covey says that family traditions should "renew family members emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically." If your tradition isn't doing those things, you know what to do with it!
In today's hectic environment, traditions are more important than ever. Divorce, long commutes and erratic schedules demand that parents be creative in finding new routines / traditions to meet their family's needs. We can make this task easier by sharing ideas. We would love to hear from you. Email us at TBD. Tell us your favorite routine and how it became a tradition. Why does it work for you? How have you adapted your family's traditions to meet your current needs?
By sharing good ideas and strong traditions, we can all work toward building character in our children and in ourselves & and we can do it just by spending time with the ones we love. Good luck and good building!
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