Excerpts from The Single Mother's Journey to Wholeness-Hope and
Help For Single Moms
Divorce is never fun. At the time of my separation I had no idea what
it would take to raise four children on my own. So much had happened
in my life. I was still mourning the loss of my grandmother, who was
a major support to me in raising my children while I was still married.
Right after my grandma's funeral, Don (my ex) left for good. Actually-and
certainly not to my credit-this was my second divorce from my second
husband. Little did I know that by the time everything was over, my
ex would steal my car, my son and I would steal it back, and my mother
would break her hip and give me one more person to take care of-along
with my already challenging brood of four children. . . but I'm getting
a little ahead of myself.
The children and I had moved into my mother's side of a duplex we
owned so that we could rent out the other side for extra income. Jasmine,
my youngest, was in preschool; the two middle children, Shelbi eight,
and Ryan ten, were in elementary school on a year-round schedule, and
my oldest son, Cheyne, was about to enter high school. Living in the
desert, the hot July sun only seemed to accentuate my situation. Then,
as if nothing else could happen, I got a phone call at work from a friend
telling me my mom had broken her hip and was in the hospital. It was
then that I knew if I wanted my life to work, I would have to make some
changes.
Stephen Covey in First Things First, states that if you have a jar
with sand and rocks in it, most people filling up the jar would fill
it with sand and then attempt to stuff the rocks in. The students doing
this experiment could never fit in the allotted number of rocks. However,
by putting the rocks in first and letting the sand flow over and into
the crevices, the jar could be effectively filled. Rocks are our priorities
and sand is the other stuff. We just need to determine what our priorities
are and spend time on them.
Early on after my divorce, I found that one of the most positive things
you could do for yourself and for your children was to acknowledge your
feelings-no matter how negative. After doing this as best you can, you
should look into what you can do to meet new people and find some healthy
friends or acquaintances to talk things over with. You'll need an outlet
and friends are a good start.
How about Parents Without Partners? This international organization
can put you together with single moms and dads in your area, and also
provide many resources. Positive moves like this will allow you to be
more adept in handling negative feelings and-at the same time-prepare
you for dating when that time comes. (Yes, you will date again)!
You may find that networking with others in similar predicaments can
give you a glimpse of light at the end of the tunnel, and if you feel
that negative emotions are overtaking you and you feel trapped, remember
that time can be your ally (with the exception of extreme ongoing depression
that requires medical attention). Tell yourself daily, 'this too shall
pass' and then one day-as you repeat this mantra and when you least
expect it-you will find that many of the feelings have passed. You have
probably been so busy and time has passed so quickly (even if some days
do seem endless) that before you know it and despite yourself, a transformation
has taken place.
98% of the population quits when things seem difficult or impossible.
In sales I have experienced so much rejection that at times I would
feel like crying. Persistence is what kept me going and that, in turn,
led to bigger and better opportunities and more income. I remember so
many times feeling the urge to run away or quit, and I had to will myself
to stay where I was. I recalled John Maxwell saying in Failing Forward,
"80% of success is just showing up." I would get through just
one more day by reminding myself to just show up and do my best one
moment at a time. Excuses don't work when you are being persistent.
I really had to work on my transformation as my self-esteem had spiraled
downward to the point where I doubted everything about myself. How would
this ever work out? Luckily, synchronicity was working with me since-
without giving it much thought or planning- I quit my job and then enrolled
in school. While I was there, I learned about grants and took out some
student loans, which not only turned out to be a boon for me, but also
helped our family financially. Shortly after that, I was recognized
by the Soroptomists and Alumni for Excellence in Scholastic Achievement
by Women in America. With the extra confidence this gave me, I became
bold enough to apply for some scholarships and learned how to begin
loving myself again. Time was still my ally.
My journey had started in earnest and I was on my way. There would
be many things to challenge me on the road to wholeness, but I would
be persistent, diligent and practice life's lessons over and over again.
Along with my children, I made dream boards, and we had fun cutting
out pictures of our dreams and desires, whether it was a yacht, a new
husband for me, or just a nice house with a picket fence for us. I would
make a collage and then, when I felt down and out, I would make a dream
box or a prayer box. This was what I called my Loving and Emotional
Practice. Later I would open the box and see how many dreams and prayers
had been answered. In my book, The Single Mother's Journey to Wholeness:
Hope and Help for Single Moms, there is a Loving and Emotional Practice
and a Loving and Emotional Affirmation at the end of each chapter. My
affirmation for the dream board chapter is I live and dream in this
moment. I show up for life!
As a single mom, you'll ultimately have to show up for life-ready
or not-so enjoy the journey.
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