Passive Men and Wild, Wild Women
Men aren't born passive. Women aren't born wild. We just have that
effect on each other, too often.
When and why does a conversation become one-sided, or dissolve into
conflict?
Here's some gut instincts research-based insights on:
- why things often go sour between the sexes, followed by
- four suggestions for smoother, more satisfying ways to stay connected:
At work, the man is often active, articulate, assertive, and usually
successful in his conversations, especially with other men.
But at home he can become inactive, inarticulate, and withdrawn. He
becomes passive with his wife - especially in certain situation. Even
when the woman works outside the home she tends to communicate in a
more active way at home - and wants the same style from her mate.
His apparent passivity drives her crazy. In the face of his further
retreat, she goes wild. * Then he becomes more still, and escapes at
the first opportunity. In personal relationships women often want too
much talk, as men sees it. She feels resentful, complains, keeps asking
questions, talks more, may even act bitter.
He feels he can't meet her needs and ends up feeling guilty and sulks.
They both end up blaming each other.
He thinks: If only she'd shut up.
She thinks: If only he'd talk to me.
Here's four ways women are more likely to engage men in the positive,
lively conversation we crave:
Suggestion #1
"Stop Talking Sooner"
Or, less politely, "shut up sooner. As a child my mother washed
my mouth out with soap for saying "shut up" yet that's sound
advice for women in trying to connect with men. Women are usually immediately
aware of our feelings, able to express them, usually comfortable in
explaining, and asking, and elaborating... in considerable detail.
Our verbal agility can inadvertently create a wall, as women, if it
gets us out of sync with men. At times, in personal, social and work
situations, men and women will get closer if the speed of the conversation
and the amount of words slows down. When women feel that men are not
listening, we tend to "rise" to the occasion by raising our
voice and verbiage. That is we tend to say more, faster, more intensely
and at a higher volume. It is as if we are thinking, "What I said
and how I said it did not work so I will do more of what did not work,
and expect a different outcome."
Our pace in conversation is faster and more multi-dimensional. We
rush past and around most men. We need to allow a man to respond, a
point at a time, at his pace, without interrupting or finishing his
sentences.
If the strongest complaint women have about men is that they do not
listen, then we must work hardest on leaving the time for them to speak.*
Suggestion #2
"Sidle"
While women prefer to talk, face-to-face, men pefer to sidle, standing
side by side. Research shows that both women and men like each other
more and get along better when standing or sitting side-by side.
Suggestion #3
"Get Moving"
Any woman who wants better relations with a man should "walk it
out": talk while walking to the meeting, around the block, etc.
Further, when men and women are walking or eating together their body
motions become more similar so they get more in sync. Even vital signs
(heartbeat, skin temperature, eye pupil dilation) become more similar)
so we are more likely to feel a natural, easy kinship.
In motion we tend to experience the best, rather than the worst side
in the opposite sex. That's good news. Yes?
Suggestion #4
"'See' the Situation Their Way"
Women crave longer and more continuous eye contact than men. To help
men feel more comfortable let go of that unremitting eye gaze. Glance
away sometimes as a man is inclined to do while thinking. His glance
away does not necessarily mean avoidance so don't act as if it does
by a your harsh tone, words or glance.
He may be trying to gather his thoughts.
Some Further Peace-Keeping Suggestions for Women and Men:
* It is harder to argue when you are holding hands.
* Know that showing appreciation and attention, especially when you
least want to show them and the other person most needs them, will always
bring you closer than asking for them.
* First look to the other person's positive intent as you hear what
what is said.
* Saying less often gets you more of what you want from him.
* Looking directly and warmly at her, rather than away, often brings
out the part of her you most enjoy.
* Making and keeping an agreement usually helps the other person feel
more safe, respected and cared for in the relationship.
* First try to act in a different and positive way before you verbally
ask for a change in someone else.
* Don't interrupt, especially when you most want to.
* First answer the other person's question. Answer it directly, without
preface, qualifiers, countering, second guessing, answering questions
she or he did not ask or raising other points first.
* Do not answer a question with a question, including questioning that
person's question of you.
* Find out whether the other person feels you've answered her or his
question or otherwise responded adequately before you move onto your
question or another point or topic.
* Showing resentment and resistence will most likely escalate the hardening
of sides between you.
* Rather than describing what you don't like, ask for a specific change.
* Be willing to make a change before asking for one.
* Don't ask for more than one change at a time, unless you want them
all ignored.
* Know that the more changes you ask for the more resistent you'll face,
and the more likely it will be for you both go to your heads to think,
rather than to your hearts to feel.
* Use factual language and few words to describe what you want changed.
* Use emotion-laden language, and more words, to describe what you like
in the other person.
* Women: Say and move less, especially when you want to do the opposite
* Men: Give her more eye contact. If you don't feel comfortable answering
her right away, tell her so directly. Then tell her when you will get
back to her with a response.
* In the middle of your hottest moments of discussion, remember what
you most like in the other person and take the time to express it.
*Of course all these apparently wise pieces of advice are much easier
to offer than to live by.
* More Thoughts on the Still Man and the Active Woman:
Joseph Heller wrote a vivid passage about what this feels like for
a man in his novel, "Something Happened": "I try my best
to remember on what terms (my wife) and I parted this morning, or went
to sleep last night, in order to know if she is still angry with me
for something I did or did not say or do that I a no longer aware of.
Is she mad or is she glad? I can't remember. And I am unable to tell.
So I remain on guard"
Consequently his routine around her begins by being on guard, walking
on eggshells, and hers is to speak out more, sooner, longer and wait
for him to "get it", to respond. When he doesn't, she escalates
her attack, gets more specific and detailed, motivated to get him to
finally respond. He gets overwhelmed and tunes out sooner, longer and
more frequently.
You see something gradually changed. The tenderness left. And tenderness
is the lubricant in male/female love relationships. Early in a relationship
men and women are innocent until proven guilty. We literally don't see
what we do not want to see and focus on what we adore. Later, after
repetitive "passive men and wild, wild women" episodes of
friction, each person is guilty until proven innocent, from the beginning.
Because that is what we grow to expect of each other and act out to
prove each other right.
The rules now? Whatever he does is now never enough. Right or wrong,
he is always wrong. And so is she.
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